Find Your F*ckyeah by Alexis Rockley

Author:Alexis Rockley [Rockley, Alexis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Chronicle Books LLC
Published: 2019-09-26T16:00:00+00:00

HOW TO DEAL: SHAME

Let’s use the hypothetical example from chapter 1, when the smell of grilled onions helped you realize you had a limiting belief about body image. You think you’ve worked through this limiting belief, but your childhood experiences left a mark on you. Every now and again Shame rears its ugly head, starting an internal dialogue about how your body “isn’t good enough.” Today is one of those days. Let’s cancel Shame, shall we?

STEP 1: SHOULD, SHOULD NOT, OR SHAME?

Did someone (or something) make you feel ashamed of yourself, your opinions, or your choices? Think about what triggered this feeling.

>> My jeans were tight this morning. It annoyed me I couldn’t wear what I wanted; the thought of buying jeans in a bigger size pissed me off. I started thinking about how I haven’t been “watching my weight,” and the Shame spiral began.

STEP 2: WHAT SHAME GIF IS ON REPEAT?

Fighting Shame is about changing your perspective. First, figure out which Shame GIF is looping loudest in your head. Is it Who do I think I am?; I’m not __________ enough; I don’t belong; I’ll never __________ ; or I’m too __________? What story are you telling yourself because you’re ashamed? And what is Shame baiting you to do? Is it baiting you to compare yourself to someone else? Or telling you to be “humble” or “realistic,” while it squashes your voice under pressure to be perfect?

>> It’s “I’m not enough” on repeat. Not skinny enough, not disciplined enough (I should work out more); not attractive enough (I’ll never be my goal weight). I guess that’s comparison bait—convincing me to compare my body to other bodies, and to view their size or weight as “perfection.”

STEP 3: FIND YOUR ANSWER KEY

Remind yourself of the rules you live your life by. Do you want to conform to societal, gender, or other so-called norms? Who’s to say perfect looks a certain way, or exists? Isn’t it good that you’re unique and not the same as your peers?

>> I only feel Shame because I agreed there was a beauty “ideal” and that my body isn’t good enough. I don’t need to care about gender or beauty norms (that only exist to sell me shit I don’t need). Bodies come in all shapes and change all the time—that’s what’s normal. I don’t need to conform, and perfection is a lie.

STEP 4: TELL SHAME TO FUCK OFF (ACT AND CONNECT)

Now that you remember the rules you play by (i.e., your Inner Compass’s direction), take action in the face of Shame. Do something brave; reach out to someone who you know cares about you and respects you, and tell them what you’re dealing with. Next, can you forgive the person (or people) who triggered Shame in you? Can you forgive yourself for taking the bait?

“Brave” might mean calling your best friend and telling them about the Shame you’re fighting, knowing they’ll listen, and very likely they will remind you that they too have felt this way.

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